LEVITATION.

There was a time I used to consider myself religious.Then,I used to love my liquor and didn't give a hoot about women.Now I dont love my liquor as much and care more about the ladies.Am also not as religious as I used to be.I fear that sometimes I reason like an atheist.I believe in what my religion teaches.It teaches that you cannot sit on the fence.You are either for or against.There are many things I should be doing and am not .That makes me a sinner and a hypocrite.My religion remains mine for now. 

LOOPHOLE.

..and God said,'let there be light'-,and light came to be.Before that there was no light so darkness reigned supreme.What is the colour of darkness?In darkness there is no colour so black which is the absence of colour is the colour of darkness.Everything under the cover of darkness is black hence the original colour of everything including that of God was black.God is light but before light came to be he was Darkness.

PHANTASMAGORIA.

Each one of us has in mind the picture of the ideal person he/she would like to spend his/her life with.However in our quest for that perfect partner we lose focus along the way and grab whatever is thrown our way.We might end up with someone just because lust overcame common sense.Thoughtlessly we rush into a relationship and finally people get hurt.We enter into a covenant as a matter of convenience.We forget that love is what remains after everything else is gone.Out of desperation we throw caution to the wind, embrace phantasm and what follows are regrets and bitter tears.When we discard our principles and lower our moral guard we have to pay the price.When we lower our standards in a moment of illusion we must be ready to face the consequences.To say there is someone for each one of us is to lie.To some people there is just no one for them and when they grab what does not suit them end up blaming the world for their misfortunes.Again no one but fools know everything,so for most of us its TRIAL AND ERROR or NOTHING.

HOT PURSUIT.

She is hot,ambitious,beautiful.What she wants she gets.Now her eyes are trained on him.She is the hunter,he is the hunted.It was subtle at first laced with clever hints,now its as direct as it can be.'Give me what I desire and I'l give you my all.You know you want me as much as you want me'.Relentlessly the hunter smothers the hunted with affection,unceasingly the hunted says it can never be.The hunted's heart is elsewhere but the hunter yearns for a piece of the heart,though briefly.She is determined to capture the prey.He has vowed to keep his integrity and be faithful to his beloved who though near is still far from his embrace.She is in hot pursuit,he is on the run.

LIFE.

Why are we here?What is the purpose of life?Why are we existing on this earth?What purpose are we serving?What purpose are we supposed to serve?
Life must have a purpose.A human being is 
born,grows up,grows old and dies.That cannot be the purpose of life.We must be here for other reasons other than growing old and dying.
Our creator must want us to do something useful with our lives.What our lives should be is what distinguishes us from animals.We can choose a way of life.We can decide on our own what is wrong and what is right.In the present world the line between right and wrong is very thin.We need discernment to make the right choices.We must be governed by laws that we should strive to adhere to,diligently and without coercion.When a manufacturer produces a new product,he will always publish a manual to make it easy for the consumer to use the product.
We came to be by creation not by evolution.
The creation theory is more potent and logical than the big bang theory.
Our creator has given us a manual that vividly instructs us on how we should live.It is the most credible book that is both scientifically and historically correct.
It does not need to be defended because it can defend itself.
Hundreds of years before man knew that the earth was a sphere,that timeless manual had stated it clearly and authoritatively.
Before scientists knew of the water cycle,the manual had it, in writing.
We are imperfect and therefore prone to errors but the manual is there to light our path and instruct us.To please our creator we must be steadfast in the perpetual struggle to be righteous in this unrighteous world.
Do you have the manufacturer's manual?Do you exert yourself to follow its instructions or do you interpret it to suit your whims,appetites and proclivities?
When all is said and done,our life is determined by what manual we have and what we do with the instructions in it.
The manuals are many but only ONE is true and just.

DANGER.

Some things are just funny.Some funnies are just things.For someone to be interested in you for years without ever laying her eyes on you there has to be something wrong with her.Not so?I stand to be corrected.
Am not talking of mutual interest but a certain obsession that borders fanaticism.This is as dangerous as danger can be and is a path that is better left unexplored.
The seemingly great fan of yours may end up becoming your demise.A killer waiting for the perfect chance to strike.
Desperate people go for desperate measures to secure what they think is rightfully theirs.
Such desperation may lead to annihilation of one or all-the adorer and the adored.
The naked eye that looks at the sun does not need an adviser for it to blink.If you are walking on a path you thought safe only to realize that it is full of dangers what do you do?Do you press forward?No,you turn back!
The subconscious seldom cheats.The instincts will ever shed light on the course you ought to take.You ignore them to your own detriment.
However when you realise there is no way to turn or hide,you have NO CHOICE but to run straight TOWARDS DANGER.

DISGRACE.

Do you ever feel ashamed?What have you become?There used to be days when your mother walked with pride,her head held high.Days when she could confidently lay claim to a place among other mothers.When she could talk and be heard.When she could boast of offsprings who would be torchbearers to her legacy.A legacy of peace,love and unity.A legacy of togetherness without boundaries.
Now the fruits of her womb are the scum of the earth.Rapists,paedophiles,arsonists,tribalists.
You are nothing but hypocrites and killers,full of malice and malevolent to the core.Uncouth savages clothed with dishonor.
Balloons full of hot air.Callous dogs feeding on their own vomit,pigs wallowing in their own mire,bathing in their own excreta.
Foolish children following a bunch of lunatics,leading you nowhere but to doom and destruction.
Time is ripe for a new order.Time to take the bull by the horns,time to hold the reins by our hands.
Arise all you able-bodied men,shine all you beautiful daughters of the soil.
It is time.
Time has come.

LAMENTATION.

We cried,railed and wailed that we be let to choose but when we were let,we chose not to choose.We were ready to lay down our lives for idiots who did not care about us.Suddenly we discovered our sisters were lighter,fairer.So we downed our pants and went after them.When we discovered our brothers were a shade darker,we sharpened our machetes and went after them.
We burned down granaries so that our brothers could starve.We poisoned the water so that our sisters could die of thirst.Our throats ached as we sang praises for the idiots and hurled insults to our kins.We threw shame to the dogs and undressed our mother for the world to see.We forgot the womb that gave birth to us and trampled on it.We excreted on the very plate that we were eating from.
Now we are hungry and have nothing to eat.We are spreading our hands heavenwards praying,begging to be fed.Now we remember the religions we forgot when we divided ourselves into regions.
Now the neighbours are mocking us,taunting us.Their children throw stones at us as our defenders sleep.Like pythons they have had their share,enough to last them a season.
We are now ashamed of who we are.Like the ostrich we bury our heads in the sand wishing the danger away.
Unashamedly we say its a lull before the storm.Busy scheming to fight fiercer and better,we say a time of peace is a time to gather our forces.Our evil minds are in top gear.But who will tell us?Who will lead us to choose reason over treason?
We must wake up from our drunken stupor.We must salvage our brains from the trash bin.
We must choose peace over anarchy.Divided we fall,united we stand.We must live together or perish.The cycle of violence must stop.
Peace now,peace forever.
Peace,peace,peace,peaace....!
Peace,Love,Unity!

THE LAST TESTAMENT.

If you really want to edit yourself from this scene you cant jump from this floor.A few broken bones here and there might be all you get.For the serious guys I recommend a few more floors high up but for guaranteed results the roof is the best.
Lets say I jump and succeed.A committee of funeral experts will be formed.Visitors will be invited and all will be united as they give me the final applause on this world's stage.
They will ignore my wish to be cremated because burials are more emotional and offer a better platform for showoff,floss mode.No one will ever understand my action but they will cry all the same.Am sure my grave will have no cross but there might be some flowers.
Days will pass and slowly but surely I will be forgotten.Another statistic,another case of bad luck.Life will go on.
Whenever they remember me they wont admit that their friend,kin,actually jumped.'Thou shall not edit thyself',so says the rule.I know that but they say if you follow all the rules,you miss all the fun.
Without further ado,its time to walk the talk,put thought into action and say goodbye.If you manage to get a few pieces of me,please feed the dogs.
I now jump!Adieu!

RIPE FOR HARVEST.

It is not once that I have had to reprimand my body harshly for unceasingly pestering me to do what the mind says is wrong.
How do you feel the morning after heavy drinking?
Its not once that I have looked at the wicked and ached to go their way.
How do you feel the moment after fornication?
The wicked look happy and prosperous.
How did you feel the morning after a night of adultery?
We all know what is right and what is wrong.That is why we are people and not animals.We have the brains to discern what is right and what is wrong.What our body craves for is what is bad but the conscience is there to guide us.
What happens if we ignore our conscience?It will die and when it does we join the league of animals.We are relegated out of choice.
Immorality is very appealing and enticing to the moral but only before the act.After that denial sets in.To justify what we have done we do it again and again.
If we hold on to what is right we make satan very angry.He will constantly be on our case,throwing temptation after temptation our way.Unrelentlessly he pursues us.He knows that we know sins can be forgiven.What he doesnt want us to know is that even if forgiven we must face the consequences.Oh what a joy it is when we overcome temptation!When we wake up fresh after a night out,knowing we had an opportunity to overindulge but we did not.
The sweetness that comes from rejecting an offer of illicit sex is sweeter than sex!
What matters is not how long we have been faithful but for how long we will remain so.
One act of treason dilutes myriads of loyalty.
If we let go after holding fort for long we might not get a chance to redeem our souls.We will be ready to be harvested by him,Mr Satan.

MAYBE.

You were beautiful,you still are.When I saw you for the first time my heart skipped a beat.I just wanted to be near you because you were amazing.
When you smiled you lighted up everywhere,your warmth imparted life to the dullest of places.You were really lovely but still I would not bring myself to tell you so.I knew that just one word would change things forever.There would be no turning back.Still something kept holding me back.I never knew what until that night.
Everyone was having fun and I decided to watch from the terraces.I saw you transform.Oblivious of my presence you became a huntress.I saw you move in to make a kill.I saw your skills as a seductress.
I left knowing too well that you were not what I thought you were.Only you knows where your head lay that night.
Later rumours flew back and forth.I wanted to defend you but how could I when it seemed you had indicted yourself.You became sad,hurt and broken hearted.Apparently a prey you had ensnared had escaped and left you scarred.
Then you became the hunted.Again you became headline news.You denied giving in and I had every reason to believe you.Time passed.
Things that were supposed to be secret are now coming to light.Again you have been mentioned as one of the many who gave their all to randy bosses.
Did you do it?If yes,why?If not who is out to get you?
You dont have to answer.You are still my friend but could have been more.I wish I never got to know what I came to know but still am glad that I knew.
Why cant you be what I wanted you to be?Because we were never meant to be.Maybe.

BLISS.

A thought,a word,a sentence,a paragraph,a chapter,a book,a volume.Hell breaks loose.
Everybody takes cover.Heavily bombarded,no one can stand.But you my love why do you cower?You are not the target.This is surgical and not meant for you.You wont be hurt,trust me.
I wish you well.You shake me to the core.Before you am weak,smitten and a humble servant.
If you run I wont run,I will just follow you till I catch up with you.
I will hold you by the shoulders and turn you around.I will look you in the eyes,if you close yours I will wait till you open them.I will stand close to you,hold you closer.
I will listen to your heartbeat,wipe your tears and smell your breathe.
I will kiss your luscious lips and dare you to push me away.If you do,I wont budge.I will let you walk away for I vowed that I would never walk away from you.I will keep my vow and let you be.I will watch your back till you disappear in the horizon.
Then my heart will break but you will not see the pieces.I will cry but no one will see the tears.
I will go down on my knees and pray that you come back.I will wait expectantly for those footsteps that will herald your return. 
If you choose not to come back,I will wish you well and remain a loner forever.
My only wish will be that you return.I will get down to where nobody has ever gone.Take you places you have never been.Show you lands you have never seen and let you taste the sweetness that lies within.Together we will be in eternal bliss.

SUNSHINE.

You are heat,light.You warm,illuminate.Let me touch,hold,feel,walk by your light.
Let me carry you to the darkest of palaces for you are a queen.
Sometimes you burn and I run.I take cover and dorn dark glasses.
Daily we wake up,worlds apart.Am not perfect and therefore prone to error.
Illuminate my synagogue though you belong to the temple.
You emanate from a star and I from a planet.We are as different as we are the same.They say unlike poles attract while like poles repel.
Our differences magnify our oneness.
Am a coward but only when not under threat.Threaten me and I will react accordingly.Whoever threatens you threatens my existence.
Am a fool but only when required to be one.I am what I am because I want to be.
You are untouchable but I can see you.I need you.You are a gem.You are priceless.You are irreplaceable.
I wish to be understood,not by everyone but by you.So many words and no way to say them.
Rise and shine.Beautiful sunshine.

BLIND RAGE.

She bought a rope and a stool,went to her house and locked herself in.She pulled off the ceiling,tied the rope to the truss,made a slipknot,climbed up the stool,slipped the rope to her neck,then...she thought. 
That death would be messy.She wanted a clean one.She thought of throwing herself off a skyscraper but she could not stomach the thought of her entrails splattered all over the sidewalk.
What if she got hit by a car?No,that would be too painful.And holding on to a high voltage wire?No,she was too beautiful to become one big lump of charcoal.
She thought of drowning herself then decided against it.She would suffer a lot.Mmm..what about if she pretended to pull out a gun on officers transporting cash?No,she did not want to be a mere statistic.She wanted to die famously.She knew people would forget her but she did not want them to forget her death.
The big fish,the politicians,the principals were holding a joint rally.She would make herself a gun,go to the rally,threaten to shoot and she would be showered with bullets,instant death,fame.But no,that would be too bloody.Is it not possible to die silently and tidily?
Since she had no car,she thought of lighting a jiko-a charcoal stove-locking herself in and sleeping to expire of carbon monoxide but again she would not be the first one to go that way.She thought of drinking to death,of slitting her wrists,of stabbing herself,of poisoning,but none of it was appealing.She googled 'suicide.com' but none of the recommended ways was sweet.She wanted to die sweetly.Then she saw me and her mind was made up.
She stole my heart.I became mad,blind with rage.I fell for her trick.I pursued her,she ran.I hunted her down and nabbed her.I took her to a private zone and stripped her.I pulled out my gun and floored her with its butt.I sat on her and aimed my gun carefully.I cocked the gun then pulled the trigger.She screamed like a pussycat.I shot her again and again.I reloaded the magazine and shot her again and again.She was spent.I wiped my gun properly and put it back to its holster.I sat and watched her.She started swelling but I could not leave,I could not move.She looked more beautiful.I knew I was done for.I was going to prison a proud man but the truth is,she seduced me.

COUNTED SORROWS.

On the road that I have taken,
one day walking,I awaken,
amazed to see where I have come,
where I'm going,where I'm from.
This is not the path I thought.
This is not the place I sought.
This is not the dream I bought,
just a fever of fate I've caught.
I'll change highways in a while,
at the crossroads one more mile.
My path is lit by my own fire.
I am going only where I desire.
On the road that I have taken,
one day walking I awaken.
One day walking,I awaken,
on the road that I have taken.-
-The Book of Counted Sorrows.

A JOKE.

A joke is something said or done to provoke laughter or cause amusement.
People who crack jokes for the purpose of entertainment are called comedians.
The audience may laugh but it is not always you might have tickled their bones.
They may laugh at your jokes,laugh with you or simply laugh at you.Sometimes people also like laughing at themselves.
Comedy is serious business and it is not for jokers.In tragedy there is comedy.
It is a breach of the comedians code of ethic for a person who purports to be a comedian to elicit sympathy laugh from the audience.
A comedian is never desperate.He is not callous and stupid.He is not an idiot.Anyone who manages to provoke laughter genuinely deserves a pat in the back for laughter is still the best medicine.
However,you do not need to be a comedian to make people laugh.With confidence you can make people happy.Even a smile earns a smile.
There are comedians and there are jokers.What are you?Note:it is not a crime not to be

MOMENT OF SILENCE.

A minute.A moment.Silence.This is usually done in a gathering to contemplate,meditate,reflect or pray in remembrance of those who have passed away.It is the same as flying the flag at half-mast.
Many of those remembered passed away unexpectedly or in a tragedy.
In a minute of silence,let us think.What could have been done differently to avoid the death?What role did the deceased play in their demise?What was our role?What was the build up to the events that led to the tragedy?What should we do to avoid the same in the future?
We must search from within and refrain from looking for blame far from ourselves.
When people die in stadia,on roads,in protest e.t.c,who is to blame?We must change our behavior,unhealthy habits and behave in a civil,disciplined manner.
If we behave like savages we will perish like savages.We must avoid any behavior that makes us the laughing stock of the world.We might not be clever but our foolishness must not be an excuse for indiscipline.Indiscipline must never be rewarded and God should not be held responsible for acts of foolishness.
The saddest thing is the eulogies will still read,"God gave and God took away."What foolishness!
We behave we live,we misbehave we die.

IS THERE ONE?

The first one was an angel.We went through hell together and emerged victorious.In trouble the bond grew stronger and when we emerged from the jaws of hades,we were destined to be one flesh.My people and your people were happy for us,they wanted us to be but it never was.In the quest for better fortunes we drifted apart and finally we were no more.
When I heard of you last you had found your other ribs to live together forever more.
My heart shattered I told my soul,never again.But I lied!...

TWICE BITTEN.

As the days went by life was slowly going båck to normal.Then came this black mermaid.She was so stunning that more than once,I was caught mouth gaping,eyes popping out,awed by her raw beauty.
For a month she was the star in my dreams.For a month I gathered courage and finally the day was here. 
I put it to her simply and nicely and patiently waited for the verdict.When it came I was speechless.Yes,what had I been waiting for?From the first day our eyes met,her heart missed a beat every time she caught me staring.Yes,it is what we both wanted and off the ship set sail.
High flying,happy moments,we were the real deal until when using the brain excessively killed a future.
Out of nowhere,the brain said no way.What for,why?The tongue carried the news,it was over with the famous words,'let's just be friend'.What a disaster!What a lie!

EVERYONE BUT YOU

When I saw you for the first time,I felt electricity course through me.I never knew love so I called it love.
I wanted to be where you were and I felt you wanted the same.We were always within inches of each other but feared to ignite the fire that would have consumed us forever.
However we could not keep apart.Like unlike poles we finally got attached like magnets.
You were the most beautiful mammal I had ever seen.Your mammary glands were the best any baby would love to suck.Your posterior promised the best rides for all.
You taught me the best lessons in life.You taught me that if a man wants to know how his wife would look like in the future then he should look at his mother-in law.
I studied well and your niceness was incomparable.We were the talk of the town,the hottest news item until you made the biggest mistake in life..:You showed me your mother-the ugliest,dirtiest,rudest,crudest and most uncouth being I had ever seen.
I remembered your lessons and saw you in the near future.From that moment I knew my future with you was no more,it was past tense,dead.
I will always say this to everyone but you because in my life there is no one but you

MY MATCHBOX

This is my space.12 feet by 10 feet.This is the only place where you can find the real me.The only place I do not have to pretend to fit in.

Away from here my whole life is an act.Not ready to offend anyone unnecessarily I live a lie beyond these four walls.As I seat on my two seater with my legs placed on a black stool that serves as a table I can see everything in my matchbox.

Infront of me is a high table that has a shelf on it.On the shelf are about 20kgs of old newspapers that I hope to sell someday.You cannot see the newspapers because they are covered by a flowery tablecloth on which rests my old model Sonnimax digital tv(at least it is written digital).Beside the television set on its right is a DVD player(I believe it is an original LG from Korea,but who cares,it is functional)

On the floor to the right of the player is my AMPEX 2.1 subwoofer(it serves me well)

For now none of the electronics is on,they are off as I savour this moment of solitude.

On one corner just to the right of the subwoofer is the box in which the tv came.Inside,the box contains other smaller boxes in which other things were bought in.Also inside are plastic boxes and some costumes.On top of the box is a travel bag that contains clean clothes,besides the bag is part of my collection of books and scripts of all sorts,then there is a one seater before you get to where I am sitting now.

To my right my supper is cooking slowly on a 'meko' cooker placed on a smaller table.All my utensils are in a basin placed on a stool beside the table.These and two black fifty litre tanks,one green bucket and two black twenty litre jerricans make up my kitchen on a corner.

On the remaining corner is my 4 by 6 bed with one blanket,one bedsheet and two pillows.On the ceiling directly above the bed is a mosquito net that is rarely used.

On the walls surrounding the bed are jackets,courts and jackets hanging on hangers on nails nailed on a piece of wood on the wall.High up is a makeshift shelf that looks as if it can fall anytime from the weight of boxes and bags placed on it.

Under the bed are two basins full of water,another cracked basin that serves to hold dirty clothes,one basin that I use to bathe and a smaller one that I use for cleaning shoes(most of you use this kind in the kitchen so you cannot blame my neighbours for thinking I also use it when washing utensils)

On the floor is a plastic 'carpet' as I have not replaced the one real carpet I gave away.The ceiling is made of plywood painted white and is complete with a naked bulb.

It is the humblest of abode but the only place I am at peace with myself and with the world.I CAN cry,laugh,grin,make faces,anything and nobody will ever know unless you are the special one.

The special one is still elusive so here I am in my stone,four walled matchbox.

WELCOME TO MY HAVEN.

LORRIES AND BALLS

I have discovered that most of the drivers who drive big lorries and trailers are men of small or average size. That has made me to conclude that small men love big things. However nobody complains and I think it is unfair because whenever a big man drives a small car like a vitz or duet people say that it is child abuse.

The people I have observed most recently are those who bring building materials to the  estates .The kind of language they use can confuse someone who is not used to them . You will hear someone directing the driver from the ground say:

….haya,kuja kuja,pimisha kichwa vizuri,haya ingiza polepole…usiingize haraka,ukiingiza haraka utamwaga ovyo..haya polepole ingiza..ingiza kabisa…ehe.baas..nyorosha sasa…toatoa kidogo…sasa rudisha…ingia vizuri…baas..hapana..sasa ukiingiza hivyo utamwaga wap?i..haya..baas,hapo,hapo..mwaga sasa..mwaga kabisa………………

BALLS

Everybody has balls. The difference is the size. Some people like the Chinese,Japanese and koreans have small balls. Africans are said to have the biggest balls in the world .Balls are a gift from God and everybody should be proud of his, no matter the size. Balls are very sensitive and that is why we should all take good care of our balls, especially eyeballs.

There are other types of ball. Without these balls you are not man enough. Ladies love men with small balls because the richer you become the more your balls shrink.When you are young your balls are naturally smaller and they come in the form of ‘banos’ or marbles. As you grow older they become bigger and that is when you start playing football, basketball and other types of balls. When you start making your own money the balls become smaller and you now play pool or snooker. As you grow older you have only have one ball that is functional and that is when you have enough money to play golf. The richer you are, the smaller your balls. 

KENYAN ONLY

Mko hapa?MMEFIKA?....why do Kenyans like asking such obvious questions mnijibu obviously,nikiuliza,”mmefika”,mjibu,”hapana tumeenda!”.Nikiuliza,”mko hapa?”,mseme,’hapana tuko Rongai!!”

A cheating husband was caught red-handed by his wife,the wife asked:”baby is this you?”,the husband answered;”no,this is not me,me is at home!!”

FACTS AND ASSUMPTION

Kenyans must learn to differentiate between fact and assumption.

For example,it is a fact that pesa za free primary education zimeibiwa,assumption ni ati sisi tunajua wezi ni akina nani.

Fact ni Thika road imejengwa na Chinese,assumption ni ati hao Chinese wanajua mahali mbwa za Githurai zimeenda!

Fact ni ati kuna mtoto mmoja mchinese amezaliwa na mkenya,assumption ni ati ni mmoja tu!

FATHERS’ DAY

Happy belated fathers’ day to all fathers.

There is a big difference between fathers and dads.Everybody can be a father but not everybody can be a father.

To be a father you only need to do ONE thing ONCE,but to be a dad you need to do a LOT of things ALL THE TIME.

How you call your father depends on where you live.If you call your father mzee,wewe ni wa ocha.If you call him ‘ma old man’,wewe ni wa Karen but if you call him ‘buda ama mzae’ wewe ni wa eastlando.

Vijana wawili kutoka Jeri walikuwa wanaenda coast wakapata mzee mmoja amekalia kiti na kuna nafasi kando yake.Mmoja akasema,”mzae si unisongee kidogo”.Mzee alikasirika sana akasema,”huniheshimu” na akakataa kumsongea.Huyo mwingine akasema,”nisongee buda”,mzee akamsongea.Jamaa wa coast alikuwa anawatch akasema,”aliyekuita mzae ndiye aliyekuheshimu kwani mzae ni mzaa yeye,lakini huyo aliyekuita buda amekutusi kwani buda ni mfuko wa punda!

FLIGHT

Whenever you get a chance ya kutravel na ndege jiulize,uko kwa aircraft au kwa aeroplane?

Aircraft ni any man made thing that can fly,hata ballons na kites.Kama unaingia ndege na unaingia kama umeinama ni kama unaingia kwa probox,hiyo ni aircraft.

In an aeroplane unaambiwa what to do IN CASE OF EMERGENCY and when an emergency emerges lights come on kukusaidia.

In an aircraft no one tells you anything and in case of an emergency mnaambiwa,”kila mtu atafute mahali ajishikilie!”

WAKAMBA

Wakamba ni watu wanapenda kuongezewa vitu sana.Kuna mmoja alienda kubuy lorry akaona kagari kengine kadogo hapo kando akauliza,”kangari kaa ketawata?”akaambiwa,”vitz’.Akasema,”niongeele kavitz kau!”(the kambas like getting extra portions,one went to buy a lorry and saw another small car(a vitz)and said,””add me that one!

TUNGA SENTENSI-KENYANS LOVE THIS AND IT IS USUALLY DONE TO LAUGHT AT THE ACCENTS OF EACH OTHER.

Wafula aliambiwa atunge sentensi akitumia neon,”FYATUKA” akasema,”KIPRONO ALIPOFIKA HAPO MLANGONI NDIPO ALIGUNDUA,’HEH FIFUNGUO FYA TUKA FIKO WAPI?!!

Mrasta pia aliambiwa atunge sentensi akitumia neno JAMBO akasema,”JAH,MBONA UMENIACHA?”

KENYAN HOTEL VOCABULARY-TAMTHILIA YAKIBANDA

So you have all have been to the mighty kibanda for a selection of mouth watering dishes, but most of you guyz barely understand the logistics of operations there, leave alone the street language. So here's a compilation of some of the delicacies available on demand, in kibanda language.

1. chapati dunga - this is where a chapati is rolled and pierced with a fork.

2. chapati floater/ chapati dondosa - this is where a chapati is served whole and served while floating on thick soup.

3. chapati msalaba - this is where a chapati is sliced into four equal quarters. The cuttings resemble a cross

4. chapati kifagio- this is where a chapati is sliced into thin many vertical strips

5. chapati chafua- this is where a chapati is sliced into many pieces as possible. Usually they are sliced into squares

that are approximately 3.5 centimeteres squared (do the math)

6. chapati mbao/ chapati mawe - this is a dry chapati, those that break easily like a piece of wood

7. ugali saucer/ wembe/discount- that one i know you know

8. ugali mlima- this is an enourmous chunk of ugali served only to proffessionals and is usually served with a

warning. "ukikosa kuimaliza, utaongeza kumi".

9. Tumbukiza - this is where meat is overboiled until the meat is very soft. Usually served without salt. Tumbukiza special

has no bones

10. kahawa kifo- so you have done kahawa chungu! This is worse. It usually contains lots of "kahawa no 1" and is

overboiled till its black. its then served without sugar. Its literally burnt coffee

11. kaa ndani- this is where a mandazi is made an incision at the side and a delicacy inserted inside of it. So kaa ndani

ya sausage is a mandazi with a sausage in it.

12. jembe ya meno- toothpick

13. samaki cassette- this is fish which has bones in it. Its served whole whereby a person starts eating it on one side( side A ).

Once done, its then turned to the other side (side B). A successful completed eating mission is certified once the only thing

left on the plate are intact bones of the fish and the head.

14. karare- chapati nusu

15. combat- githeri

16. mix/ missile / kadhalika- this is mchanganyiko of everything on the soup menu. Involves madondo, sukuma, nyama,

ndengu etc. Na inasemwa na style, so dont go ati nipatie missile 20!

It goes like "haya, hebu nibonde na chapo mix ya kaufourty, na ikuje chapchap kabla niachwe na ndege"

17. teargas- pilipili.

 18.Stage yote-a mixture of a little of everything available in the kitchen in one plate,chakula yote,vinywaji zote,hata maji ya kuoshea vyombo,anything!

You can add other common terms in your local hotel!!

HUNTED

                              

I know what you are trying to do.You want to bait me and enclose me in your prison.You want to squeeze me dry and leave me with no juice.You want to use me as a bridge to move to the other side.You want me to bear your cross.

You want me to be a statistic,another of your conquests.When you see me you smile but I see beyond that smile.Isee the evil that lies within.The fire that will consume me like a fly if I come close enough.

You are beautiful,on the outside.I look at you and see beyond what you wear.Like x-rays,to me you are bare to the bones.I see your ugliness,I see what you are made of.

You know what I know and every day you come closer to stealing my heart.Like a hunter,you are waiting for the perfect moment to strike,then I will be no more.

I am on the watch,my guard is up.Keep trying and if you succeed in bringing me down to the knees then I will say,at least I tried!